This is a blog in which I will post topics about ponderings of different truths that I have come to know from the word of God. I hope that it will be insightful for you!
My name is Dillon Lucas, and I have been set free.
-My Past, My Deep, Dark Secret, and my Testimony-
Now, a lot of you reading this may be totally and utterly shocked by what is posted here. Some of you saw me go through this part of my life, and may or may not have seen the outcome. Some of you may or may not stop halfway through and stop reading it altogether.
Please read all of it.
I was raised in a Christian home--I went to Church with my Mom and Dad almost every Sunday, was brought up in the "do this, don't do this" mindframe. All around, I was told I was a "good kid", and most people that know me would agree. I was your typical kid; I grew up watching Pokemon and playing video games until 8 in the morning... ok maybe not your typical kid. Most normal kids did this wonderful thing called going outside, which I did less and less as I got older.
By 6th grade, I had very few friends, and honestly didn't care to have any. I was very distant with the other kids in class, always keeping to myself and drawing, and if I wasn't drawing, I was talking to myself, sometimes out loud. Any desire to get friends was obliterated by the comments my classmates would make. They'd laugh at my highwater pants, make fun of my awkwardness in general, and they'd call me gay a lot. Yeah, real encouraging.
7th grade, things got even worse. Not only was I being made fun of, but I was the butt of every other joke, a figure of ridicule. Now, I may or may not be acting a touch victimized here, but regardless, you get the picture. Didn't have a lot of friends, and I didn't wanna try to make any because I was afraid of being made fun of.
Halfway through 7th grade, I started delving into the occult. I didn't look at it that way while I was doing it, because I still considered myself a Christian, at least on a "what's your religion" basis, if you get my drift. I wanted an escape, and not only that, I wanted some kind of power so as to smite others somehow, and I wanted confidence. I hated who I was, and blamed myself for all the insults that got thrown at me. I wanted to be something (note I didn't say someone) better than me. I wanted to be strong and confident; an animal all my own. This led to a long, painful experience that lasted until the end of my Junior year in High School (FIVE years).
For more information on my involvement in the occult, go to my other blog: http://oncebound.blogspot.com and scroll to the very bottom, and work your way up.
Now, after having given all that up at the end of my Junior year and having rededicated my life to Jesus, I'd like to say that everything was awesome and peachy, and that everything magically unfolded for me. Well, it didn't. I had this huge grudge against everyone, and was still afraid to try and make friends without pretending to be someone I wasn't. On top of that, I had a lot of baggage from my being in the occult, and everything I dealt with there, and still held onto this feeling of self-hatred. All I knew at this point, is that I was forgiven for my sins, but I knew nothing of freedom.
In my Senior year, I eventually joined the Church choir going to FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes), and started seeking God's will. I knew I could be free, and I knew that I wanted to learn more... but, deep down, I don't think I had the faith to believe it could all be true.
I was afraid to talk to anyone and "be real". I was always cynical, and making jokes that I shouldn't have, just doing anything to get anyone to call me a friend, and whether or not they meant it didn't really matter to me. The thing I didn't realize here, was in my holding myself back, in my not trying to really make a true friend, much less share the Gospel, I was sinning.
1 John 4:20: If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. (NIV)
This truth never really hit me until after I graduated from High School. One thing I drilled myself with is this: The offer of free forgiveness that Jesus gave by his grace is just as free for them, for those that opposed and made fun of me, as it is for me. Jesus, who knew no sin, came to BE sin for the WORLD.
2 Corinthians 5:21: God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (NIV)
Who the heck am I to say that they don't deserve that? Do I think myself to be God, that they don't deserve to know? If I truly believe, and I do, that those who don't have Jesus go to Hell, how much do I have to hate them for what they had done that I would choose to send them there?!
When I think about the grace of God, that despite all the things I put myself through, and all the things that people did to me, who am I to say that those who ridiculed and berated me don't deserve forgiveness? They DO. Jesus knew NO sin, but he became ours. He bore our pain, our suffering, our temptation, sins... On that cross, as he died, he KNEW US. He KNEW YOU.
That was not exclusive for that moment--Jesus is alive! He rose from the dead, defeating and conquering our sins. We didn't, and can't do anything to deserve that sacrifice, and we don't have to! We just have to accept Jesus for who he is, accept his love.
With that, I want to say something, especially if someone who bullied me when I was younger is reading this. I forgive you, because he who was put to the Cross by your sins, Jesus, has forgiven you!